“Emotional Strength”. Almost everyone I’ve ever talked with (including myself), has been taught that it is equivalent to being emotionally controlled: stoic, calm, reasonable and “pleasant”.
In other words, being angry, sad, confused, frustrated, etc. is WRONG.
God forbid we have strong emotional expressions – be it of LOVE or discontentment.
Because that’s just dramatic, burdensome and annoying. (Really? No 😄).
The result?
Many of us have learned early on to REPRESS our deeper, less comfortable emotions for fear of causing “problems” to others.
Even worse:
We’ve lost our ability to be and SHOW our authentic selves.
Our connection with our most honest and powerful experiences of life.
And when we do emote, it often creates some form of shame:
“I shouldn’t have cried”.
Or… “I shouldn’t have been so excited”.
Even… “I should have swallowed my anger/frustration and been more CONTROLLED.”
Now to be clear:
I am in no way saying that emotional strength means giving into every emotion we feel or justifying harmful responses as a result, to ourselves or others.
So, what IS Emotional Strength?
We here define it as:
“The COURAGE and ABILITY to fully feel, recognize, and explore one’s emotions, and then work with it in the most healthy and effective way possible.”
Both with ourselves, and in response to others.
In other words: the very definition of Emotional Intelligence.
Something ALL of us can learn to grow and ENJOY.
As it brings such a variety of benefits all around.
Then how do you advance your own Emotional Strength?
1) Get to know and CONNECT with your Emotional Self – INTIMATELY
Our emotions are a FUNDAMENTAL system, already built-in, that help us understand how we’re perceiving, interpreting, and being with ourselves, others and the world as a whole.
It doesn’t mean that they are ALWAYS accurate or representative of reality.
Sometimes they are WAY OFF.
But either way, they will tell you something important that would be beneficial to attend to, at least for the moment.
And then depending on what you learn as a result, help guide you in thoughtfully and intentionally finding the best way to deal with them, and respond in the most effective way possible.
For more insight on how to identify and understand your emotions, see our post:
Identifying Your Emotions ~ “What am I feeling and does it even matter?”
2) Don’t REPRESS…but DO actively choose your Emotional Strategy
It takes a hell of a lot of guts to openly show what you feel.
Essentially, it’s one of the MOST authentic processes there are.
But like we said before, we have to reserve some wisdom to understand that our emotions, while VALID, are not always representative of reality or truth (for us or others).
The point?
You can – and SHOULD – have a healthy INTERNAL process that allows you to stay in touch with what you’re feeling, for whatever reason.
As well as tons of compassion for yourself to feel what you’re feeling…even for struggling to feel or interpret it! It’s all only normal.
Doing so allows you to understand when you need to just accept an emotion, other times work through it, and yes, sometimes even hold it off for a while. But be careful with the latter.
Intentionally choosing to table an emotion is not the same as mindlessly repressing it.
Let me give you an example: a person has just lost a loved one. They are in grief but many logistical things need to be taken care of. They sense their sadness and loss, but decide to forego it for a while until they are in a safe and more relaxed moment to be able to access it.
The difference between this and repression? They will ALLOW, accept and work with their grief when the most urgent circumstances are abated. And keep moving forward.
Repression means they will never deal with it or not until many years later, when that repressed emotion has already come out in other ways like physical pain and illnesses, depression, volatile anger, substance abuse, etc.
It’s not always conscious or controllable (I know from experience), so don’t feel bad if you’re suffering from emotional repression or living the discomfort of recently resurfaced traumas and feelings.
Just as always, take your time and treat yourself with kindness.
3) Emotional Strength means allowing yourself to be VULNERABLE
Vulnerability is uncomfortable but necessary.
And according to the research of expert Brene Brown and many others, being able to acknowledge and honor your vulnerability in both positive and negative situations, is a fundamental of personal and professional success and happiness.
Why?
Because it allows us to connect to the deepest, most meaningful and sensitive elements within ourselves. And in there, are also our greatest gifts like compassion, creativity, spontaneity, daily gratitude and grace.
You can’t get the good, if you’re constantly repressing and preserving yourself from the difficult.
This doesn’t mean you have to FORCE or FAKE a love of vulnerability. That wouldn’t make sense because the very POINT of vulnerability is that is makes us feel exposed, fragile, uncomfortable, and the like.
It’s more about ACCEPTING it, acknowledging it, verbalizing it (with yourself and/or with others), and finding quality ways to work with it.
Waiting for challenging outcomes or results.
Saying “I’m sorry” or “I was wrong”.
Saying “I love you” and other expressions of affection and care.
Feeling the pain of grief, disappointment, frustration and anger.
Putting your authentic self out there, in your relationships and to the world.
Just some examples that many of us may struggle with, yet again, so very important for living a full life.
The idea is to connect with it, explore it where relevant, and then ACCEPT it and find healthy ways to deal with it.
See Brene Brown’s excellent TED Talk on “The Power of Vulnerability” for more insight, as well as her wonderful, short book “The Gifts of Imperfection”.
4) Allow OTHERS to be vulnerable
So you know how hard it can be to feel and express vulnerability in yourself.
Oftentimes, what makes it so difficult is our fear of rejection, judgment, criticism, abandonment and the like.
And this is because surely we, ourselves, have at some point experienced such reactions from others, even loved ones. And it HURTS.
So, when you see someone taking the big step to open up, share their imperfections, pains, and struggles – BE THE GRACE IN THE ROOM.
Don’t jump to assumptions, solutions, or other attempts to just “make it go away”.
Be willing to listen and understand, and if you care enough for them, offer some sympathy, empathy, care, openness and flexibility.
I promise you it will make your relationship stronger and better for the long run,
5) EXPAND, Express, Evolve your Emotional Strength
And sometimes, you just have to put yourself out there and say what you feel.
Push past your comfort zone and allow the world to SEE the REAL YOU.
Yeah, it’s tough. But so cathartic.
It could be in a CONVERSATION with one individual or a few.
A post on social media, a blog, book, photo, etc.
Or by being brave enough to ACT in a way that feels right, yet different from what others expect from you.
Recently I published a post on Facebook, unlike my usual posts, expressing my wish for all of us to reach out and help those less fortunate. In the moment it was inspired by recent humanitarian conflicts in the world, but it’s something I think about and feel all the time.
And it was really scary for me. In my video I get emotional, and it was only one take.
The most honest, spontaneous one.
No curating, editing or preparation.
I felt all sorts of complex and uncomfortable emotions, and for days after felt VERY vulnerable, even at times ashamed.
But so many people responded so lovingly to this and then I realized, while it certainly may have made some people uncomfortable, others saw the TRUE ME.
And I really needed to do it.
I slept better that night after, than I had in a while.
So give the world a chance to see and love the REAL YOU. You, by no means have to communicate everything.
But sometimes sharing meaningful, even uncomfortable things, will be the very thing to power up your sense of personal dignity, worth, purpose and vision in this life.
And that, in itself, will be a MASSIVE GIFT.
Tell us about your own courageous ventures into Emotional Strength, or struggles, which we will be very happy to support you in.
