We all create habits, rituals, strategies, that serve us in some way, at one point in our lives.
They all fulfil some function, just not all are GOOD for us. Some stay for a little while, others continue for much longer.
Our lives are complex experiences of incredible beauty as well as devastating pain, and everything in between. Some might say this is the point of life: to take on this journey towards living, learning, overcoming and appreciating, everything that comes our way.
But that can be very difficult when you’re struggling with a habit you know is doing you harm, as well perhaps your life and loved ones.
Either way, we tend to feel proud and confident about the healthy ones. Also terribly ashamed, guilty, frustrated, afraid, pained and disheartened about the not so healthy ones.
And this is what creates so much difficulty in actually transforming the habits we wish to change.
Recent research and work by the highest world experts in this field are coming out with knowledge and wisdom, often completely counter to our usual mindsets, and what we have been taught thus far.
It’s mind-bending, disruptive, and at times, utterly counter-intuitive, but it WORKS.
And it is the KEY to long-term positive change in ANYTHING you wish to evolve for the better in yourself and in your life.
In this post, we touch on some of these core NEW insights and best practices and you’re going to LOVE it.
Because it’s a lot easier, more effective and more joyful than perhaps you ever imagined.
Here we go…
…When we talk about habits:
1) Most “experts” have it WRONG
We’re bombarded by messages like “Just do it!”, “Pain is gain”, and “Willpower is key” when tackling the issues of habit change. We hear this from our loved ones, society, training programs, and OURSELVES.
The majority of habit change programs out there – be they in nutrition, exercise, substance abuse, personal development, etc. – endorse these kinds of belief systems and in doing so, they WORK AGAINST US.
They setup goals and plans that, in many cases, are too ambitious, rigid, and “one-size-fits-all”, depending on unreliable concepts like willpower and motivation, that make it all too easy for us to fail, the minute an obstacle comes in the way.
This then only further feeds the worst voices in our heads about how “weak”, “worthless” and “lazy” we are, as well as beliefs like “I will never be able to do this”, “it’s impossible for me”, “I’m not as strong as others”.
And this is where the shame spiral and the constant agony of continuous “failures” creates even more stress for us, leading to: you guessed it, indulging our worst habits even MORE.
If you’re wondering IF people actually change, do check out our earlier blog on “People DO change. Here’s how.“
2) Willpower is limited, and therefore, not your strongest tool to change habits
Up until now we’ve been told that the hardest things we achieve are by way of willpower. That internal drive to do and endure until we see our desired results.
The official dictionary definition is, “control exerted to do something or restrain impulses”.
But while you may achieve that control in certain moments, you may not LIKE it and often times continue to struggle with the struggle of the new positive habit you acquired.
The thing about willpower is that it’s a limited resource.
So, if you’re exerting lots of willpower in your day to day, in your work, child-rearing, relationships, etc., there will be very little leftover for you to now additionally work on making meaningful positive change outside of your daily routines.
And this IS the reality for most of us.
So while willpower has its value, it is NOT the key to lasting positive change to help us to overcome some habits.
3) Motivation is unreliable so positive change needs to work with and AROUND it
This is the second belief we’ve been taught: if you can just muster enough motivation, you will achieve anything. Change any habits.
Not really.
What this belief fails to recognize is that we are NOT supposed to be super motivated all the time. It’s just not realistic or normal.
While motivation plays an important part, it’s not everything.
Like willpower, it’s finite. It also grows and wanes with all that we experience in life.
Most of us set our ambitious goals when we’re feeling super motivated.
Then the first time an obstacle or any natural motivation low hits, our commitment and our achievement eventually suffer.
This can lead to feeling like a failure and further demotivation, often causing us to give up and return to a state of frustration, hopelessness and helplessness.
Or even get WORSE in the very habit we were trying to change.
Because it triggers, once again, all those negative emotions that make us feel less able, less willing and less trusting of ourselves.
4) The #1 Key to lasting positive change, to help us to transform habits, is…SELF-COMPASSION
I know it sounds crazy. I mean if you’re hating your habit or way of being, and the impact it has, how can you possibly feel grace, love and understanding towards yourself?
And yet the science is behind it and it’s POWERFUL.
The worry, shame, guilt, self-hate, fear, etc. we tend to feel in our struggle to change our habits is the very ENEMY to changing them.
It sucks precious power, energy, wisdom, focus and hope that we so very much need to effectively transform.
But it’s been absolutely proven that if you can create a loving, compassionate relationship with yourself in your journey, it will grant you everything you need to move forward towards your goal.
This is not about saying “it’s no big deal”, “I don’t care” or “and I will indulge all I want”.
Rather about coming to understand the underlying causes, triggers and impacts of that, from a place of self-acceptance, self-love and self-nurturing (which is what self-compassion IS).
You don’t achieve anything by hating on yourself. Only more strain, stress, tension and desperation.
So why not at least be curious and give this a go?
5) And the #2 Key is feeling SUCCESSFUL
You’ve experienced this throughout your life. When you see some, even minor, positive change, as a result of your efforts, you get inspired, optimistic, motivated.
And it NATURALLY inspires you to continue progressing. To push forward, to make the effort, and to celebrate the wins.
We NEED to feel successful in order to access our feelings of self-trust, self-confidence, positive motivation and inspiration for a better future.
We need to be able to celebrate our wins regularly because this is JOY! And joy is an endless source of power.
But again, most programs, with all their best intentions, make it very hard to do so.
Because they set the bar too high for the long-term.
When we lower the bar, it gives us energy, hope, creativity to adjust and evolve, and easier visions of what full success will be like for us and those around us in the future.
Check out this amazing podcast with BJ Fogg, the world’s leading expert in habit change.
So how can you create more self-compassion for yourself?
And what small adjustment can you make that may be the key to your great future success?
