Our emotional selves and experiences are such a fundamental part of our lives, relationships, serenity and success in any and all of our ventures, personal and professional.
Yet they also cause us so much strain, pain, confusion, fear and challenges.
One of the key problems is the way we were conditioned to understand emotion. Frequently burdened by countless damaging beliefs around the topic, that only make us suffer more, instead of encouraging us to do the only thing that ACTUALLY helps:
Become more connected with, and knowledgeable about, OUR EMOTIONAL SELVES.
While the subject of emotional intelligence is a hot one these days, and incredibly important, sometimes even the best insights and practices forget to start with the basics.
For example:
- How do I know WHAT emotion I’m feeling?
- Is what I’m feeling valid and reliable?
- Should I just ignore my emotions or give them some attention?
Again, these are just starter questions, because following these are many others to help us truly understand and manage what we feel.
But many of us get stuck in the very first stages.
So how DO you begin to connect with your emotions?
Here are some key insights that we work on deeply with ourselves and our clients:
1) How do I know WHAT emotions I’m feeling?
This may sound like a strange question for those who are very in touch with their emotions. But due to the faulty messages and conditioning many of us received early on, it can absolutely be challenging to even know when emotions are rising up. Let alone what they are.
The great majority of us have heard one or all of the following at some point (perhaps not so directly but definitely INDIRECTLY):
- Being strong means not feeling, showing, or responding to emotion.
- Strong emotions (particularly challenging ones) are BAD.
- When you DO feel or express strong emotion, you’re being dramatic, burdensome, and just WRONG.
Explore this deeper in our previous NEVBlog “Why Expressing Difficult Emotions is NOT Complaining”
These belief systems are unfortunately held by many cultures, communities, religions and families.
Why?
Perhaps because, as so little was done in earlier times to properly understand emotion, the presence of it still mystifies many of us.
Also, strong challenging emotion is painful to feel and witness so: uncomfortable means BAD (for many).
And so we learned to ignore and nullify a very fundamental element, and even GIFT, of our humanity.
So how has that served you?
Being always controlled, polite, and essentially REPRESSED about your emotions?
Many of us, if we dig deep down, will find many ways that this has caused us great damage.
In the form of:
- Disconnection from ourselves.
- Disconnection from others.
- A variety of physical, mental, emotional and even spiritual blocks and challenges.
- Confusion, fear and anxiety in gaining clarity, making decisions and launching positive changes.
- Poor communication and damaged relationships.
- Blocks in beliefs, thought patterns and situations that hurt us.
- Frustrated and limited growth, success and overall effectiveness.
- And SO MUCH MORE…
What often happens is that, because we’ve so deeply integrated these unhelpful beliefs, the repression of our emotions keeps us “going” but keeps us complacent, stagnant, and far from living the beautiful existence we so long for.
For many years I struggled with the same challenges, and still continue to work on them. But a major truth I came to realize is that, despite being a very energetic, motivated and positive person, the constant struggles I had with exhaustion were largely due to repressing these key “undesirable” emotions: sadness, disappointment, fear and anger.
And they definitely came out in other ways: panic attacks, anxiety, insomnia, physical issues, and the like.
So what can YOU do to finally connect with your emotions?
Try these proven strategies, in any combination, but ALWAYS with no self-judgment, open curiosity and a lot of self-love:
- When you feel any sort of tension, strain, discomfort, anxiety, etc., STOP for a few minutes. Don’t run away from it, create some space for it.
- Now just sit in it for a little while, no matter how unpleasant it may be. Nothing bad will happen to you, no matter how much you may fear that it will.
- Then try to NAME the emotions, as specifically as you can. Sometimes they may be clear indications like “loss”, “fury”, “envy”, etc. But other times they may be colors, images, sounds, etc. that somehow better express what you’re feeling. ALL IS VALID. Just try and connect to it.
- But stay away from generic descriptions like “good”, “bad”, “happy”, because they are so vague that they won’t tell you much. Define YOUR version of good, bad, happy, etc. (go DEEPER), and there you will start to get some true insight.
Also, check out our short video from our WeAreOne Sessions on “How to Connect with Your Emotions” for further insight.
2) My Emotions – is what I’m feeling VALID and RELIABLE?
Here’s another area of emotional intelligence that is so often misunderstood and misused.
Once again, we were likely given one or all the following unfortunate messages, directly or indirectly:
- Emotions are TRUTH.
- Emotions are UNRELIABLE.
You may be thinking, “wait, these are seeming opposites, so how can both be wrong (or true)?”.
Exactly. Truth is often more grey area than black or white.
The emotions you experience are not necessarily solid truth about you, others or the world.
But they ARE expressions of how you’re experiencing those things, so there is valid information there to tune into and address.
The lives we lead are essentially a reflection of the perspective we take on them.
We position ourselves, through our thoughts and beliefs to see, interpret and act on particular things, in particular ways.
If you see your challenges as just “bad luck”, an “offence against you”, “unfair” and generally “horrid”, that is the lens through which all of your subsequent thoughts and actions will focus.
As well as the emotions you feel.
But if you rather see them as “part of my human experience”, “learning lessons in my journey” and “opportunities to grow and overcome”, then again, your thoughts, actions and feelings will follow accordingly.
So yes, our emotions are both NOT ABSOLUTE TRUTH but VERY VALID and RELIABLE.
And integrating both concepts will allow you to work with your emotions in the most effective way possible.
3) Should I just ignore my emotions or give them some attention?
We should never IGNORE what we feel, especially what we feel deeply and repeatedly. Doing so not only disconnects us from ourselves but also keeps feeding the cycle of emotional repression that leads to countless problems, for ourselves and others.
Yet not all emotions are equally important or “serious”. Sometimes, you’re just hungry or tired.
A solid approach is to regularly reserve some space, openness, and curiosity to check in with your emotions and see what you can learn, shift or flow with, as a result.
This can take just a few minutes. Other times, hours or much longer.
While the practice may feel effortful, even awkward at first, it’s one of the most important skills you will ever learn. It takes time and investment to build your “emotional intelligence muscles”, just like any other ability, and after a while it will become automatic.
Sometimes it will not be clear what you’re feeling or what it means for you. Then you will have to be ok to leave it for a while and return to it when further insight comes along. That’s ok, and can often be the case with particularly complex situations.
But knowing when to let an emotion lie is not the same as avoiding it. And you can come to know the difference.
Your emotional self is the key to understanding how you’re experiencing your existence. And where there may be opportunities to make that existence more meaningful and satisfactory.
Isn’t it worth a try?
We can show you how. Always feel free to share with us your comments and questions and we will get you started on the beautiful journey of becoming your best friend.
