As we take on new horizons, after significant challenges, it’s normal to strive towards growth and freedom.
Like us here, you’ve probably been reflecting on all the ways you are looking to advance and keep improving yourself and your life situation. Yet oftentimes when we do this, it becomes too easy to get stuck in the ways you feel that you, as you are right now, are “not enough”. Perhaps also ways that your life is still not as you wish it to be.
And while it’s important to stay mindful and motivated towards an ever more positive and fulfilling existence, the usual way many of us tend to do this may actually strip us of the very energy, inspiration and hope that we need to be successful in our future progress and development.
A common belief and mindset might be that until we achieve the next goal, in ourselves or in our lives, we won’t be able to be truly happy, peaceful and successful. And while there are certainly some important changes and transitions that can be our gateway to a better life, living with a lack of self-esteem and in the “never enough” mentality, prevents us from seeing the grace already in our lives and even the opportunities for the very improvement we seek.
But you know this, you have heard this, so how do you actually DO this?
In this post, we address some key principles for cherishing your existing gifts – in yourself, others, and the world around you – to improve your self-esteem and self-worth, while positioning yourself for truly effective positive change.
For previous insight to inspire you, see our previous NEVBlog “People DO Change. Here’s How.”
1) You ALREADY are enough and have what you need.
This can be a hard concept to swallow when one is feeling terribly lacking in strength, support, resources, and the like. And yes, there are grave situations in life when that is the primary challenge.
But in MOST circumstances, no matter how difficult they may feel, there is ALREADY so much inside you and around you, that can help bring you what you’re looking for. To see them, you have to believe IN them and start looking.
This is how people in seemingly impossible circumstances find incredible solutions and triumph nevertheless.
Focus first on what you have, and then on how to use that to get to what else you want.
2) Build self-esteem. Separate your self-worth from your performance.
Brene Brown beautifully describes this in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection”. Cultivating a healthy sense of “you’re already enough” as you are, with all of your imperfections is key. It may not be easy, depending on what you are struggling with, but it’s nevertheless true and powerful. You are ALREADY worthy of love, respect and appreciation, just as you are.
Why?
Because like many of us you are just doing your best to make a meaningful life in this world. There are people who love and respect you, no matter how alone you may feel, ALREADY. And they do so BECAUSE of who you are, just as you are.
If you can truly internalize this, then evaluating your abilities and performance on any given task becomes easier because it doesn’t threaten or damage your self-worth, self-esteem, and self-confidence. And this opens you up to truly and effectively looking for new solutions in improving yourself and your life situation.
3) Unblock your self-esteem. Shame is a thorn and a barrier.
Shame is defined as feeling bad about who you are, whereas guilt is feeling bad about something you have done.
While occasional and measured moments of guilt – when appropriate – can help us maintain awareness, conscientiousness and a quality value system, shame is just an unnecessary burden that blocks. Blinds. Incapacitates.
Why?
Because when guilt penetrates so deeply so as to create shame and therefore, damage your self-love, self-care, and overall perspective, it also damages every strength and insight you have and may need to move forward.
Shame also keeps you so focused on ‘keeping the demons at bay’, instead of investing those resources in meaningful progress and action.
4) The path to greater self-esteem. You can’t know what you don’t YET know.
One of the concepts that keep us trapped in the “not enough” syndrome is the lack of realization that knowledge and experience is a factor. We beat ourselves up for not YET becoming and achieving what we yearn for but in many cases, it’s also a matter of insight.
This is not just true for more technical and professional goals but also for very intimate and difficult personal ones. I’d say, ESPECIALLY for the latter.
If you look at all the positive changes you were able to manifest previously – and we have ALL been able to do this at one time or another – there was usually a critical moment when things came together, internal and external, and suddenly you found the way to make things happen.
Sometimes this wisdom seems to come from actively seeking and other times from external circumstances, but in ALL CASES, it was up to you to put it together and make it work. And in all cases, YOU made it work.
If you can take the confidence of this knowledge, observe and connect with the wisdom you already have, new answers will come to light for the future. And when you continue to struggle, no matter how many attempts you’ve made to change, just keep thinking, “I just haven’t yet found it, but I will”.
5) Comparison is a killer to self-esteem.
Oh, you’ve already heard this. The wonderful advice is “don’t compare your insides with someone else’s outsides”. And yet, in certain especially distressing situations, it can feel impossible NOT to compare to those around you.
But again, no matter what you’re witnessing of other people’s seeming happiness and success, you will NEVER really know what they are going through or have endured to get there. And what you see might only be half the story or a different one altogether.
Many of us publish only our best moments on social media or mention them in conversation. Some do it to brag, others to not burden, and still others because they can’t bear to talk about the pain. You just truly won’t know. Life is challenging for everyone, no matter how much beauty, youth, money, power, and joy they have. No one is immune to the pains of life, in all its many facets.
Yet focusing more on what others seem to be and have, takes you away from YOUR own unique story. It distorts your perception, energy, and the wisdom you already have. It’s fine and normal to feel some healthy envy but then acknowledge it, put it aside, and learn from everything you can for how you can get to where YOU want to go, on your own terms.
6) What slows your self-esteem? What’s underneath has power and insight.
When we have been struggling for long to make a given change or improvement, there is always a counter belief, desire, or mindset that is challenging it. You want to stop smoking but you secretly love the moments. You want to change your job but you secretly fear the effort and uncertainty. You’re not happy in your relationship, but you secretly covet the familiarity and/or security of the current situation. Etc, etc, etc. There is no judgment in this, just insight.
If you can figure out what is the counter belief running underneath your desire to change something, you can tackle it head on and work to undoing its power.
But it will also give you insight as to what you are most wanting at any one point in your life, which can help you find the key elements to support a more positive transition.
7) CHERISH what IS.
The pandemic was difficult time for many of us and I often heard people saying things along the lines of “this is the worst year!” I hear them, it was an especially painful one for me as well, but I stay away from declarations like this because the truth is, it can always be worse. And many of us, despite our difficulties, still live with enormous privilege compared to so many others in this world.
I often speak about the importance of genuine gratitude but I think it’s also appropriate here. Most of us have a quality roof over our heads, food on the table, running water, loved ones, and other means and resources to get things done and live securely.
This reflection is not about creating more shame or guilt, rather the opposite. Just a thoughtful sense of joy, peace, and thankfulness for the things that ARE working in our lives. Considering such things from a place of love gives us strength, tranquility, freedom and security ~ the keys to powering ourselves up for all the rest we want to be and achieve.
Let us know your thoughts, challenges and deep desires for the next season and we will happily listen and offer you a free consultation if you so choose.
