“How easy it is to love, and how difficult to love well.” “Love is not the same as a Good Relationship.”
When you read that, what does it make you think?
Better yet, what does it make you FEEL?
Fear? Anger? Sadness?
Disappointment? Surprise?
Or perhaps…relief?
The great majority of us (if not all of us) have been conditioned from birth with messages that are the very opposite of this statement. Like…
- “All you need is love.”
- “All is fair in love and war.”
- “I love you, that’s why I do this to you.”
- “I love you and I want what’s best for you.”
- “If you loved me, you would BE ___ or DO ___.”
- “If you don’t love me, we can’t ____.”
- And many, many more…
It’s not to say that in certain cases, when you heard (or said) lines like this they may have been false or unjustified.
But it’s almost definitely true that at times when you’ve heard – or said such things – there was a lot more at play than just love. Or maybe not even love.
And the actions, dynamics and situations that resulted from such statements, may have done more harm than good, to you, another and your relationship (of whatever kind).
I know it’s happened to me, on both sides of such an equation.
It’s also tempting to believe that ‘if the love is just right or just enough’, the relationship will flourish by itself.
Again, not at all the case.
And what’s particularly tricky about this topic is that EVEN if you are already aware of the fact that love by itself does not guarantee a good relationship, it’s likely that at times you have still believed and acted the opposite.
Which is to say, believing that because there is love – or what may seem like love – certain things are justified.
As the agent or as the receiver.
And it’s understandable, to a degree, as again, given our conditioning from all around us.
Yet the very real problem, as you already know, is that so many very harmful things have been done ‘in the name of love’.
How many times have people who didn’t truly love you, used ‘love’ as a justification to influence, control, invalidate or downright hurt you?
What’s worse, how many times did people who DO love you, did the same?
Sometimes expressions of love can even be used as a “shut down” to further authentic conversation or connection.
Like, ‘I love you, so let’s not talk about it anymore’ (“it” being an important issue).
Think in someone you love, but don’t get along with (or the relationship is a struggle).
Now think in someone you don’t necessarily LOVE but have a great relationship with.
What is happening for you in each one of these situations?
And what can you LEARN from either situation, that could make your life and relationships better and easier?
1. What is LOVE and what is its value in a Good Relationship?
Defining Love is about as impossible as trying to define Life, Faith, Intelligence, Morality and other such complex concepts that are essentially too abstract to fully understand and describe. And mean so many things, to so many.
But if we tried to start somewhere, we could possibly say the following…
Love is essentially a deep feeling of attachment to someone you wish good things for and to continue engaging with. Hopefully on your own terms. There usually has to be some positive association and history with that person that has cultivated the emotion of love in the first place, based on real experiences. Like childhood for example, or many years of a romantic or friendly relationship that had some benefits.
This history can make it more difficult to realize, understand and adjust, when a relationship that originally had love, or still does, is no longer working. For whatever reason.
Loving a person means making efforts to care and nurture them, but also brings tougher realities like fearing and worrying for their wellbeing, and your own, if you believe you might lose them. Or that they are changing in ways that strain that love and/or the relationship, for you or the other.
This is a natural ’symptom’ of loving. Though again, can bring its own share of difficulties.
Love also means…
…at times having to challenge another, communicate assertively or even distance from them for a time, in order to preserve that love, when it feels to be struggling. With the hopes that in doing so, that love will stay and even grow, in a way that is fair and mutual for both parties.
But love doesn’t exist by itself or in a vacuum. We all know how much easier it is to love someone who treats you well and takes efforts to support you, shares similar values and interests, and is willing to accept and appreciate you as you are, not as they wish you to be.
When such dynamics break down, love can become questioned, even if in fact, it’s more about making the relationship more healthy. Or analyzing if love was even there to begin with. It may have been at one point, but it may have ended over time.
Or it’s simply evolving, through what Mother Night calls the “life-death-life” process of a connection with another. Which is to say that any quality relationship will absolutely go through its own ebbs and flows over time (as everything in nature). Sometimes having to die for a while, in order to then revive. Or not. Sometimes we have to just let it go.
And the reality is that the other party, may or may not be able or willing to accompany you in that growth or transition.
This is when best practices in nurturing a quality relationship become so vital to actually preserve and repair the love and connection.
Or just the connection.
Whether or not the intention to grow together is there (and many times it’s not even contemplated), we are all changing all the time. And without that awareness and the willingness to continue communicating and connecting around those evolutions – and hopefully loving each other through it all – the love AND the relationship can get lost or damaged quickly.
We want to believe that love cannot do harm. Or rather we say, that if it does, it’s not real love.
Yet this may be too simplistic and/or idealistic.
Many times a person has felt deep love for someone or something, yet applied that feeling towards justifying actions and behaviors that create harm instead of good.
So Love is a powerful glue that can support the creation, maintenance and growth of a quality relationship.
But it’s not guaranteed without the effort to nurture the relationship that embraces it.
And it’s also not necessary in other types of relationships, that can be very fulfilling, as long as the following is in play.
2. If Love is NOT the Same as a Good Relationship, then what truly makes a Good Relationship?
Whether we are considering a romantic relationship, a familial one, friendship, workplace, collaboration or absolutely any and all kinds that impact us and exist over time, there are a few things to consider for making them as best as possible.
With or without love.
Let’s be real, you may not actually LOVE someone, but you can still respect, appreciate and live a quality connection in your dealings with another person. And have a great relationship.
We actually do it all the time – or rather have the OPPORTUNITY to do it all the time – if we’re willing to see each person who crosses our path AS a person, and not just as a function, number, payment, etc.
See our NEVBlog “Do You Truly See People?” for more insight.
On the most BASIC level, a Good Relationship requires the following:
1) Acceptance:
This does not mean agreeing with or condoning everything another person does.
You most certainly won’t know all that they are, do or why. It just means that from all that you can perceive of this other individual, you have accepted their way of being and doing, and if something doesn’t work for you, look to 3) Good Communication.
It also means they are ok with being and engaging with you as YOU are.
And if THEY feel some conflict in the process, they too need to employ the tenets of 3). But in general, there is no major continuous conflict between the two of you in being and collaborating together. And if one emerges, one or both parties can resolve it in a reasonable amount of time.
2) Mutual Respect:
This is like 1) but with the added value of truly making the effort to understand enough and abide by the ways another person is being, believing and doing.
You may not agree (and almost certainly at some point you won’t), but whether the gaps in your ways of existing are big or small, you feel able and willing to respect who they are, and they do the same for you.
And this will manifest in your and their actions towards each other.
Again, sometimes it will fail (that’s the nature of relationships, even the best ones), but you will see if the mutual desire to preserve the relationship (on your and their part) is alive, well and functioning. And more important than ego, fear, resentment, etc. Even if sometimes, it may take some time and imperfection.
3) Good Communication:
Now, no matter what is happening with 1) or 2), you feel that you and they are able, willing and successful in communicating in a quality manner that is honest, sincere, clear, kind, and respectful.
Also effective in resolving confusion and conflicts, and getting positive results you both want from the relationship.
It will not always be the case, but both of you make the effort to do so, even if one has to take the initiative in certain situations. As long as it feels overall fair, clear and respectful, it’s on the right path.
See our NEVBlog on “Struggling with your relationships? How to make them WORK for REAL…” for more insight.
Of course, there are a lot of other “extras” like empathy, generosity, true affection, inspiration, meaningful support, etc. that will make any relationship that much better. As long as it respects the style and preferences of both parties.
But all that can be learned over time, if one is willing to observe, listen actively, inquire, and learn from what those interactions bring forth. And feels the desire and motivation to do so.
3. So, Love and a Good Relationship, how do you bring the two together?
What’s key is that for love to be nurtured, the relationship needs to be able to evolve, and move past the initial memories that created the love in the first place.
If it doesn’t, and the initial feelings of love are not accompanied by a truly quality and authentic relationship, able to evolve with current and future circumstances, a gap begins to grow. One that demotivates either or both sides, to keep trying to make the relationship work. And with more time and lack of attention, it will only get harder.
It’s also important to understand that not every quality relationship requires LOVE – or even deep connection with the other.
It just requires the key elements we spoke of above.
- My Dear Sister once said to me, “You don’t have to like or be liked by everyone.”
- My Dear Father once said to me, “Not every person is supposed to be EVERYTHING to you. Learn to see and enjoy what a given person can give to you, even if it is a specific interaction, area of connection or part of them you can appreciate.”
- My Dear Mother once said to me, “Forget about them. Forget about us. Just be who you are. Who you NEED to be, and keep going.”
- My Dear Husband once said to me, “You don’t owe anything to anyone. You’ve done more than enough already. Just allow yourself to connect with people who truly SEE you, NURTURE you and mutually want to SHARE LIFE with you.”
- And a Dear Friend once said to me, “Some people come into your life for a Reason, a Season or a Lifetime. You will see and decide which it is.”
Perhaps you may also find some empowerment, inspiration, peace and relief from such statements.
Even if all of our relationships, are as imperfect as we are. And continue to ebb and flow.
Such is life and the great brilliance and agony of being human.
There is a saying that the people that meaningfully come to make a part of your life were brought there by some divine concept to help you learn, evolve, resolve, and triumph in the core elements your soul has yet to conquer. Even if they will be as much of a challenge as a great support in your existence.
IF you’re willing to do the work on your end to make it so, understanding always that we cannot and should not control others, so there are also things that are up to them. For THEIR own development.
I’m starting to see and believe that this may be true.
And it’s ok.
We are connected by the beautiful and painful bond of existing together in this lifetime.
So let go of what needs to be done with.
Make an effort to reconnect and nurture what and who for you is still important.
And then breath.
Don’t hesitate to contact us if you think we can support you in making your relationships – of whichever kind – as best as possible.
