The people in my life are a HUGE part of what makes it worth living. And a lot of research confirms that this is in fact so: much of our life happiness comes from healthy, meaningful relationships, both personal and professional.
But challenges with others are also one of our biggest points of stress.
I know I’ve had my share. And it’s caused me great anxiety, frustration, anger and helplessness.
Perhaps you understand me.
So this topic became a core focus in my life and work from early on, and it’s one of the fundamental areas we work on with our clients, because we KNOW how much it influences our overall wellbeing, serenity and life satisfaction.
Like most topics, there’s SO MUCH we can say here.
Let’s start with a few fundamentals about Relationships that have proven true, over and over again, with EVERYONE.
1) You will never truly know what is happening inside another HUMAN.
Be it your partner of many years, your child, your parent, sibling or a long-time coworker or client. No matter HOW close you are…
You will NEVER be able to completely understand their life experience, what it’s like to be them. So try not to ASSUME.
Holding this reality in mind will help you keep your assumptions and judgments at bay, and create much-needed space for you both.
And this is SO IMPORTANT so that both parties feel that they can be their true selves, while striving to find opportunities of connection, collaboration, and understanding.
This is an ever present wisdom we guard in quality coaching. And I ALWAYS ask my clients to be completely honest about whether or not “I’m getting them” as their coach.
Only this way, can our work together be truly connected, relevant, and effective.
For more insight read “The Four Agreements. A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom”– by Don Miguel Ruiz.
2) NO relationships should be UNCONDITIONAL.
This runs so counter to our romantic notions of what “true love” is.
Yet it’s massively true.
Even with your children, your parent or your romantic partner…enduring a relationship that is repeatedly damaging and disrespectful, actually hurts EVERYONE.
You suffer if you’re on the receiving end of this pain.
They suffer because they’re learning and integrating maladaptive relationship habits that will make it that much more difficult for them to meaningfully connect with others throughout their life.
Not to mention: with YOU!
And if you’re the one causing the pain (and you know what I mean), I don’t have to tell you the inner turmoil that this is already causing for you, and the repercussions it has in your personal or professional life.
In the end: we have one life and billions of people to share it with.
So, choose wisely.
3) NO quality relationships should require you to be something you’re NOT.
Yes, we all have to withhold parts of ourselves to some degree with our loved ones, professional contacts, etc.
You decide WHEN and to what extent.
It’s part of being “socialized” beings that need to function effectively in human society.
But if you’re regularly and continuously suffering in a relationship, with someone who denies your right to be seen, accepted, acknowledged and appreciated for who you are AUTHENTICALLY…then there’s work to be done.
And guess what? All relationships will struggle with this at some point.
And chances are we’re also denying this in others, in certain circumstances.
The question is…do we all come to the table to resolve these frustrations, or do we deny it, avoid it, block it, or downright mess it up?
It’s actually, a CHOICE.
And the choices we make, will have wide and lasting effects.
4) “What’s mine is mine, what’s yours is yours.”
We are all combinations of countless messages, passed down the generations, absorbed from our environment, and created unknowingly in our heads.
Some serve us. And many don’t.
Until we become conscious and intentional about them, we can suffer for years (or a LIFETIME!) with thoughts and beliefs that truly damage us and prevent us from living our true joy.
Even (and especially) in interpersonal relationships, in any one engagement there may be a variety of dynamics at play, that you feel, process and respond to…but they may not be YOURS.
And we’re often unaware of them.
Being able to untangle what thoughts and beliefs you hold are truly yours – and the ones you WANT to have – versus those adopted and imposed by others, is a huge key to personal serenity and quality relationships.
The next time you’re suffering with a person in your life, ask yourself:
- “What of this is mine, that I created, hold on to, and impose?”…AND
- “What of this is someone else’s, that I keep carrying and acting on, but I really don’t have to?”
And without judgment or shame, let’s get to work to unpack and relieve it.
5) Communication REALLY is the KEY for all relationships.
The saying here goes, “in almost every challenging situation, there’s a conversation that needs to be had or improved”.
Susan Scott, renowned expert in communication says, “The conversation IS the relationship”.
Relationships, be they personal or professional, that fail to nurture an honest, respectful and timely communication, ALWAYS suffer.
Yet so few of us were ever educated on how to do this.
And so we avoid and complicate our communications with others, leading to countless conflicts and complications, that don’t need to be there.
So, what is a conversation that you need to have with someone?
If you’re not sure how to go about it, don’t hesitate to contact us and we will happily guide you.
Definitely also read our earlier NEVBlog on this subject “How conversations make all the difference in the world”.
6) “A Season, a Reason, a Lifetime.”
A beloved friend once imparted this timeless concept to me…
“People are in your life for either a season, a reason, or a lifetime.”
I’ve never forgotten it, and it has greatly helped me in coming to accept and understand the NATURE of the relationships I’ve participated in over the years.
As well as when: it’s ok to let them go.
Versus: when it’s time to invest and make them better.
So many people come through our lives in this modern existence.
Too many to actively nurture for a lifetime.
But letting some go – no matter how important and meaningfully they may have been – is only the natural course of things.
Holding on too long can make them deteriorate in a way that destroys the very value of what they were in the first place.
And cause much unneeded suffering.
But only YOU can decide how to proceed.
Just remember – Make sure you’re accompanied by the souls who TRULY serve you and you can serve in return.
We’re always happy and open to confidentially hear you out, your thoughts, ideas and concerns.
So connect with us and we will help you make it work.
Another deep and insightful article. The conversation IS the relationship. Thanks for this, Nev.