Every single one of us has something – or many things – that we wish we could change about ourselves and/or our lives. It’s the nature of being human and without it we would be bored and stagnant. Yet while some things we manage to change quickly and easily, it is the things we struggle to shift that cause us so much fear, anxiety, and struggle.
As this is a major focus area for us, we are constantly doing lots of research on the topic. I’d love to say there is a simple, proven formula for everyone, but like most things in life, it is diverse, and at times complex.
Still, there are some important things that have been proven to be true all around. A blog post is too short to review the enormous body of research on this but the following keys can get you feeling better, calmer and on your way to the ‘new bliss’ you desire.
1) It’s more about ‘wholeness’ than goodness.
Carl Jung, the famous psychologist said “I’d rather be whole than good”. What he referred to is that the great majority of us have been raised in cultures and families that have pressured us to only accept our “good parts” and reject our “bad parts” (anger, envy, obsession, etc.), thereby preventing us from being whole. But every human being has a mixture of both, whether they know it or not, or wish to accept it. Yet it is the things we refuse to accept about ourselves as normal elements of being human that tend to persist on being heard and continue to resurface in many ways that affect our ability to live a better life. Either through habits, reactions, beliefs, ways of thinking, or even disease, pain, addiction, and fatigue, to name a few. The key becomes in NOT continuing to reject these aspects of ourselves, but rather learn to recognize them, accept them, and then let them go. Easier said than done? Yes, but through the right kind of self-work and with the right guidance, these elements can lose their power and be healthily integrated into our way of being. Hence, allowing for positive change to happen.
2) Make the change a positive one, not a painful struggle with the old.
The current, negative struggles we have, especially with ourselves, have gained traction through repeated habit. This has created a new continuous reality for us that becomes reinforced over time and therefore has its own power. But this is temporary and changeable. However if we continue to battle on the same battleground, the usual reinforcers will have an advantage. The key is to move away from that. Build a new, alternative vision, in great detail, focused on all the good that will come from changing this way of being or this situation. Spend time, energy, effort on the steps to make THIS a new reality instead of fighting with the old. On this new ground, everything is possible, and it pulls us away from the constant back and forth of fighting with the old, along with its traps.
3) Small steps are often more important than big ones.
It’s been proven over and over again that making small, consistent steps towards a positive change tends to have the most impact for long-term success. Why? Because the old ways exist for some reason, whatever it may be, and when we challenge them in big ways, they trigger our subconscious and emotional reactions that will fight against the change. But small adjustments – registering one’s actions, expressing challenges in verbal or written format, even breathing for a few seconds in the critical moment before doing what you always do – can bring priceless awareness and the little influences that may lead to more powerful change over time. Any and every small success towards your goal counts. Even if you relapse, it all helps move you forward.
4) What you BELIEVE, makes ALL the difference.
Scientific research in making meaningful positive change has shown that when people ultimately believe that their issue is global (all encompassing), unchangeable (too powerful to control) and personal (that it’s due to some failing in themselves), they are significantly less likely to successfully make a positive change. In contrast, those who relentlessly continued to believe that their issue was an isolated one that they can eventually control and not a personal failing, had enormous success. Just the act of trying to quit smoking, even for a day, makes a difference. Nurturing the belief that you CAN and WILL achieve this, no matter how many struggles and setbacks you have had, will ultimately give you the self-esteem, power, and hope to keep trying for better.
5) Change is an effort, so how much juice do you have?
Habits make up at least 30% of our lives, if not more. They are the shortcuts we have learned over time to deal with our regular reality, as without many of them, every daily task would be a long chore (imagine relearning what a red light in traffic means). They can be your morning routine, an addictive way of dealing with stress or even prejudice. Good or not, legitimate or not, we all have them. They are practically automatic. And because they “shortcut” our time and effort to getting through the day, whether correct or not, to change them takes significant time, effort and concentration. For this reason, if you happen to be in a moment where you are especially strained, stressed or otherwise involved, making a meaningful change in your life at that time will be especially difficult. It’s not impossible, but this is just to say that special respect, time and space needs to be MADE, to allow for the work necessary to create positive change. I say “made”, because this is not meant to be an excuse. Most of us will say we never have the time or energy to change. In some cases (like deep grief) we don’t, but in others, no matter how pressing the circumstances may seem, we DO have a choice to insist on creating the opportunity to shift. This is just to remember that this is a factor, and if you want to meaningfully work on something, you may likely have to let go of some other things. And that’s ok, because what’s the price of your health and happiness?
6) Timing may be a factor.
Years ago, I wanted to re-initiate my workout routine but I was in an especially stressful time work-wise and no matter what I tried it just wouldn’t take hold. And yet when the holidays came, and I was able to rest a bit and get some distance from the usual strain, suddenly I found the energy, but most of all, the MINDSET, to make that positive change. And it worked. Taking from all the previous points, sometimes it’s ok to say “I am truly committed to doing this but I can’t do it right now so I will start ___”. To keep putting something off indefinitely is what keeps us ineffective. But to recognize honestly that now is not the moment and then identify one in the future that could be a reasonable one, prepare and anticipate it, can make a huge difference. We are all human and life can be tough sometimes. As long as this doesn’t continue to be an excuse to never try, you can create even more positive excitement and determination for a time in the future.
7) Compassion is always the KEY.
This may be our last point but it is the most important. Self-compassion. We tend to think that this means “being easy on ourselves” or cheating or self-denial, but none of these is what it actually means. Rather, it’s about understanding that you are human like all of us. You suffer, you try to do your best, or sometimes not (which is also ok). And the constant self-criticism or sometimes even self-hatred is actually the ONE THING that will prevent you from positive change. It’s been proven. Guilt, shame, self-hatred only make us feel more powerless, more insignificant, and strips away our power and hope to get to where we so dearly wish to go. And to be. It takes some time and work to really understand and cultivate this. It’s not easy for most of us as we feel that if we accept it, we will indulge. But it’s not about making excuses, it’s about openly, honestly, accepting ourselves so we can do the work necessary to move forward.
I hope this gave you a good start and never hesitate to reach out to us with your own comments or inquiries. We are here for you.
