Who says you can’t get silly at 40+?
Is there really such a thing as the midlife crisis?
In 2018 I turned 40, with little hype. I’ve heard from so many others that this can be a trying time, what most call the “midlife crisis”, but I’m not one to believe ‘urban legends’.
I figured since, given my profession, which is really a life calling (more than I sometimes want to admit), all this constant self-reflection, analysis, revision and reinvention had perhaps prepared me a bit better for the changing of digits.
Are you laughing yet? You should be.
What is the midlife crisis?
Six months later we got devastating news of infertility, which was shocking as all our others stats were pointing to a healthy fertile situation.
Followed by some odd and clumsy falls during the rain season, resulting in two fractures in my back and a broken left meniscus in my knee. And let’s say that was just the beginning.
Humility was my daily breakfast.
But even before these unfortunate incidences, around the beginning of 2019 I was starting to feel an odd stirring…like a minor rebellion and questioning around what NOW was really going to make sense for me?
Was I starting my midlife crisis?
And of course, the subsequent forced recovery from the other circumstances gave way to a moment of extended time, space, and exploration, unlike I have had in a long, long time.
As I look back to my 40th birthday, I am amazed at how much has transpired, and how much I have GROWN in such a relatively short time. Mind you, through quite a few moments of despair, confusion, and loss, but also many of surprising joy, inspiration and LAUGHTER.
Lots and lots of laughter.
So this post is just about that…the humble yet amusing and insightful discoveries one might encounter in this odd middle age of today.
And let me tell you, there is nothing “middle” about it. Read our earlier post “The Young Middle Age”.
Midlife Crisis: Discoveries
1) “Is this all there is?” YES, and that’s the point.
Many of us spend our younger years dreaming big, in one way or another, even when we don’t think that we are.
We will have families, big careers, big money, big fame, or some such combination of things. And we will change the world, transform mankind. Clearly we will live easy, breezy, and always good. Always beautiful.
Even if you have already accomplished some of these things, I bet if you ask yourself what are the moments you most enjoyed and cherished, they will be simpler and more humble.
I’m grateful to say that in my lifetime so far, I’ve accomplished a great many of my goals.
Yet now I painfully see, some may never come to pass.
But there is no question that the moments I cherish in my head are the daily ones: laughing in bed with my husband most nights, no matter how awful the day has been. A nice meal with loved ones. A great swim. Adoring our garden and puppies and home, etc.
When we haven’t had as much life experience we tend to think in black and white extremes, but that is simply NOT real life.
As we get older we realize that it’s the simpler grey areas where, despite their imperfection and humanity, where we find our moments of greatness and joy.
The question is, how much of yourself and time are you spending chasing huge accomplishments and/or managing continuous stress, instead of cherishing the daily blessings?
It’s not to say that we shouldn’t have big dreams – of course we should! But most of our existence is not that.
It’s every simple blessed day.
As they say, if you are hating on Mondays regularly, that’s a seventh of your life you are wasting.
Sweet, simple moments in bed, feeling lucky & loved.
2) Time is truly a godsend.
In tough times, it’s normal that we may wish for time to go faster until we feel better, until the weekend, until that vacation, etc. It’s human and there’s no judgment there.
But some years ago when I was having such a week and made a statement to the likes of “I just want this time to fly so I can get to the better moment” my husband made a very honest and insightful comment: “wanting time to pass by more quickly is an arrogance of the young. Every moment is a gift and one we can never get back”.
Yes, you’ve probably heard this, but have you truly integrated it deeply?
He stopped me in my tracks with this but it took me some time to truly appreciate it, and the recent challenges have made it clear.
We realise in middle age that time is trickling by but also hopefully abundant.
That it is to be cherished, not wished or wasted away.
This is not something to feel anxious about but rather a reminder to enjoy, give thanks and celebrate as much as possible.
And by the way, there is another entire half-life to go!!! That’s a LOT of time.
3) “Where’s my Ego? Oh, I left it in the garage.”
Truly. So much of our lives are often driven by how we want to appear to others, even our closest ones. We desperately guard and work to preserve our social personas at the expense of our genuine personalities, values, and dreams.
Not to mention our needs, limits, and desires.
Even if you think you are super authentic, chances are there are things you are repressing, projecting, or suffering with, that can be relieved.
Scott Jeffrey explains this in more detail in a beautifully clear way and Danielle Laporte addresses this in her Firestarter sessions.
Why are we SO afraid of showing and shining our true, authentic selves?
For many reasons apparently, as you can learn in Scott Jeffrey’s Shadow Work Guide.
But none of them, you will also learn, are worth your health and wellbeing.
Yes, we have to stay civilised and maintain some social respect and effectiveness.
But there’s SO MUCH we are repressing that now, in this lovely middle age, we can finally let go of.
And much of it is about our EGO.
Check out their work for more insight and we also work extensively with this in our coaching practice.
Me, Grieving & Exhausted but also PUSHING in the right way 😉
4) “Wait, I’m HUMAN??”
I want to laugh as I write this. Goodness have I had funny run-ins with myself over this concept, even as I truly tried to embrace it.
Something that may come with passing and learning from your earlier years, is to finally give yourself the permission to just BE.
Enough. As you are.
This is not about making excuses for ourselves or letting ourselves off the hook with things we truly feel we need to improve.
But the first part of improvement is self-compassion, as research has proven to be most effective, over and over again.
What this means is truly embracing your WHOLE self, no excuses or judgments or blame. And from there, looking for ways to make your life more meaningful.
“The Compassionate Mind” by Paul Gilbert is an excellent book on this topic with easy strategies and activities.
But the point is, we DO get to finally love our complete selves. And doing so will get you moving to where you want to go in the most loving, effective, and easy way possible.
5) Lighten up and LAUGH.
If you are someone who has gotten regularly worked up in the past over certain things, this one is for you. I know it’s been me. Most of us would find this to be true for ourselves in one way or another.
This is not to say that it’s not important to stand up for things we believe in and mobilise for positive change, with inspiration, commitment and courage.
But this is not what I’m referring to here.
I mean rather all the ways we take ourselves SO seriously, as well our daily frustrations, including our own shortcomings.
How can I tell you that you are actually the most important person in your own world (whether you recognise it or not).
And yet you are no more important than anyone else in our great universe.
Both are fundamentally true.
Hard things will pass. So will good things. No matter what we hope for.
I remember seeing the home of my grandparents after my grandmother had passed away years back and it was left, alone, dilapidated, even as my poor grandfather still lived there in his grief. It broke my heart, after having had so many beautiful childhood memories there, but the rules of the universe do not exclude me.
It just made me realise how deeply important it is to live with joy, laughter, and lightness, as much as possible, when things are still alive and thriving.
Where and how can you bring more lightness into your current world?
6) Really, I’m only 4.
My husband is 10 years older than me but he looks so young for his age, most of his friends think he’s made a pact with the devil. It’s a joke. Yet if you see him, it’s truly remarkable and at his 51 years looks like a spritely big handsome boy.
But then again, 51 is nothing in today’s time.
So when I turned 40, he made the joke by erasing the “0” on his birthday card to me, saying that I had turned 4, and he had turned 5 that year.
And this is where we are my friends.
Yet honestly, it’s not far from the reality.
If you were to catch us in some of our moments, we sound like two little childhood buddies making stupid jokes and tickling our puppies. Like almost every day. Despite the pain and exhaustion.
Of course we get stressed, frustrated, and have many normal couple interactions and struggles.
But we try to live to what we feel, not what others, society, age, or difficulty would have us believe.
At least THAT I can say we are finally good at.
So forget everything and everyone else, at least in this sense. Nurture your inner child, stop worrying about what others think or could say.
Leave the midlife crisis behind and create a world for YOU and yours.
Isn’t that what life IS after all? An experiment in making the most of this strange, beautiful, painful, joyous existence.
Our imperfect DAILY GRACE 🙂
We are always so happy to hear your insights and experiences so don’t hesitate to share with us your thoughts about your own midlife crisis, learnings and adventures.
